Wednesday, June 18, 2008

there's no beauty in my breakdown


I hate breaking.I hate breakdowns. I hate how I always back down from what I want to make sure others are happy. I hate how I called you today and got interrupted before I got to your voicemail just in hopes of maybe hearing your live voice. I hate knowing you won't call back. I hate how I have so few female friends. I hate how I miss your voice, your smile, your OCD, and your failure to obey traffic laws. I hate how you always use the wrong form of "your/you're," and I never despised you for it. I hate thinking about the sleepovers that never happened. I hate how there's so much I want to say to you, but won't have the chance. I hate the picture I painted for you that you've never seen. I hate holding onto this sense of hope. I hate how I try to trick myself into thinking I'm fine. I hate how I'll never be good enough. I hate how pain relieves pain. I hate how much I care and and never told you. I hate brokeness. I hate breaking. I hate breakdowns. I wish for a chance to fix things because I miss you. I wish to stop wishing.
Peace&Love

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you are really a beautiful writer. i would totally read your book.

but there is a beauty in your breakdown. the beauty is that you are aware of it... maybe he was just a mistake. and lifes best lessons are learned that way. i would love to make you feel better but i know that only yourself or him can do that. just know that i love you and you are the most beautiful person i know. inside & out.